Phantom Feelings
by Sakata Ri Houjun
Summary: Hikou wishes nothing more than to live once again. However, it's not for Chichiri's redemption nor Tasuki's forgiviness he's seeking, but to save Kouji from himself. *yaoi*(complete)
1. Default Chapter

Phantom Feelings

Chapter 1

By Sakata Ri Houjun

~****************~

"You're going there again, aren't you?"

Hikou stiffened, but relaxed almost immediately. It was only his friend, Kouran. He turned, leaning back against the wooden sill, and fixed his face into an expression he hoped was all innocence. "I don't know what you're talking about, Kouran. Going where?"

"Don't try to fool me, Hikou. You've been disappearing every chance you get. And I know exactly where you go. You've been doing it for two years."

Swallowing hard, Hikou lifted his chin. "Don't be silly. Taiitsukun has allowed us to remain on Mount Taikyoku so that we could wait for Houjun to join us. Why would I want to jeopardize that?" He realized that he was nervously fiddling with the jade ornament suspended from a thong around his neck, and took his hand away.

"We both care so much for Houjun. That's why when I first found out that you continuously left here to travel to Mount Leikaku, I turned a blind eye because I knew you were worried about him."

Hikou hurried across the room, catching the ethereal woman's shoulders and holding them tightly. "You're right. That's exactly why I've been going to Mount Leikaku, to see if Houjun is doing well. I've been so worried ever since I possessed his lover that they'd never be able to recuperate from the problem I had caused. I just had to see for myself if he would be alright."

"But he's been fine," Kouran interrupted, pulling her dear friend close in a companionable hug. "Even I know this."

"As have I," Hikou continued. "But my apprehension has caused me to return time and time again. At least that was the reason in the beginning."

Kouran's gray eyes narrowed.

"And now," he sighed as he pulled away. "I have another reason for returning." Hikou paced slowly back to the window, staring out through the thin mist at the beauty that was the home to the very creator as well as several spirits such as themselves.

"Tell me why you go there."

Leaning his elbows on the windowsill, Hikou stared at beyond the majestic mountains, hoping to see the real word beyond that he was once a part of. "There's…there's a man." He heard Kouran's sharp gasp, and turned quickly. "It's not like that. He's a friend of Houjun and his lover, Tasuki. But there's something about him…" His eyes fell closed as the scarred bandit's beautiful face appeared in his mind's eye. His deep blue hair, always wind-tossed and wild. The deep forest green of his eyes.

"Has this man seen you?"

"Don't be foolish, Kouran. He's nowhere as sensitive as Houjun is, or even Tasuki for that matter. He'd never be able to see me even if he concentrated for the rest of his life." He gave his head a little shake. "I only go just so I can look at him… and touch him…"

"Touch him? Oh, Hikou, this can't be good. You shouldn't have the right to enter the mortal realm. You're breaking the rules. You'll be in terrible trouble should Taiitsukun ever learn-"

"Hai, but she won't, because you're going to keep my secret."

Kouran nodded slowly. "But Hikou, Taiitsukun knows everything that happens. She's bound to have discovered."

"Were she going to find out, she'd have found out by now," Hikou insisted. "And she obviously hasn't, or she'd have done something about it." He hopped up onto the windowsill, and swung his legs over the edge. Before him the magnificent purple mountains of Mount Taikyoku sloped downward where flowing waterfalls poured into crystalline lakes. But beyond all this beauty lived a man who had called to him with those piercing eyes. He gave one last glance over his shoulder at his childhood friend, a woman whom he had once loved when he was alive. "If anyone asks, tell them I've gone out."

Kouran hesitated, frowning, but nodded at last. "Oh, alright. But we must talk about this when you return."

Hikou only smiled, and pushed himself off the ledge.

"Of all the men I've ever met," he heard her call after him. "I vow, Hikou, you're the worst!"

Hikou sent Kouran a wink, and then floated away.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Chichiri looked outside the window, frowning a bit at the dark clouds he saw gathering, and the deep rumble in the distant sky. The creak of the door drew his attention. His best friend and lover, Tasuki, entered their room with a pensive frown that mirrored the monk's. 

"I never should have let his go out on a night like this," the bandit muttered as he moved to join his soul mate by the window after stripping off his sodden coat.

Chichiri pulled the younger man into an embrace, but still stared worriedly out the window. "Now, Tasuki-kun, no one knows these mountains as well as Kouji does. Except you, koi. He'll be fine."

"I'm not so sure about that, Chiri. It seems to me he's asking for trouble, going out there alone with this shit happening. Seems to me he's…" His voice trailed off as he shook his head.

"Tempting fate," Chichiri finished for him. "He's been very miserable lately, ever since you and I…"

"I oughta go back out there and look some more," Tasuki interrupted. "He should have been back by-"

His words were cut off by a blinding flash of lightning, rapidly followed by a boom of thunder so sharp that they both felt it vibrate in the center of their chest. A gust of wind came charging through the trees, bending the tall pines nearly in half. The older man's grip tightened reflexively on his companion as he began praying that their friend would be safe.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Kouji stood upon a precariously narrow ledge, braced against the vicious wind, rain razing his cheeks, lightning ripping the sky apart overhead. He stood there, and he taunted it. Dared it. Faced it down.

"Ya want me…well, here I am," he shouted, his voice swallowed up by thunder. "Here I am, ya bastard! Come and get me!"

Anyone looking at him now would think him insane. But it wasn't madness that had driven him out here tonight. It was regret…and loneliness so deep that it ate at his soul. The darkness was relieved only by the increasingly frequent lightning strikes that left him blind and blinking. But he was used to darkness. There'd been very little other than darkness in his life for the past two years now. He was angry with the gods. But he was even angrier with himself. He was not depressed or suicidal. He was furious and reckless and wild.

"Come on," he taunted. "Come and get it!"

As if in answer, a powerful gust of wind slammed into his body, hard. His head collided with the stone face of the mountain and he felt himself go limp as he toppled backwards. The chill wetness of the storm embraced him. And that was all.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

There was an odd, floating sort of sensation. Kouji thought for a moment that his recklessness had got him killed, and that he was about to discover what really awaited him on the other side.

But then there was breath on his face, soft lips touching his cheek, and a hauntingly gentle voice. And gradually he became aware of strong arms encircling his chest from behind, pulling his body upward. Dark hair hung about his face. His savior was behind and above him…as if he were…were flying or something, for Suzaku's sake.

And then the bandit's body was slipping over rock, until his lay inside a dry cavern where the storm couldn't reach him.

And the strange man knelt beside him, his hands running over his face and through his hair, and his voice whispered, "Don't you die on me, Kouji. Don't you dare die on me."

Kouji felt his lips covering his mouth then. His soft hair tickled the bandit's neck and exposed chest and Kouji thought it wouldn't have mattered if he'd been dead for a month, those lips would have brought him back.

Slowly, he slid his hands into that hair, noting how dry it was despite the heavy rains outside, and held his face to his, and he returned that kiss. This man's compassion filled him, and he didn't pull away. In fact, it seemed to Kouji that he kissed him back. Gods, he tasted good. But there was more. There was this sensation of warmth and…and light. Yes. Light, filling him right to his soul, where it had been dark for so long.

And he didn't want to let go. Not ever.

His rescuer sat up slowly. Kouji forced his eyes open. He was dizzy, weak. His head ached, and his vision was blurry. But he hadn't thought himself delirious. Now, though, he wasn't so sure.

Satiny hair, the color of a moonless night sky, fell into a curtain all the way to the man's waist. Narrow black eyes that slanted up at the corners gave him the impression of being older, the gaze deeper and more mysterious than any eyes he had ever seen. He wore creamy robes edged in scarlet. But what seemed to hold his attention the most was the fact that he could…see through him.

"It's alright," he whispered. "Don't be afraid."

"Are you…an angel?"

His smile was one of amusement and irony, but so wonderfully pleasing that the bandit wanted to kiss him again. Was it a sin, he wondered, to be overwhelmed with desire for an angel? 

"Iya," he whispered. "I'm no angel." A soft laugh, a gentle hand touching his face again. "I'm what you could call a spirit, although I shouldn't be telling you this."

Kouji blinked and looked at the transparent form of this stranger. "Are you real? Or am I dead?"

A sad expression overcame him. "Unfortunately, I'm only a dream. You don't believe in spirits, do you, Kouji?"

So this man couldn't be real? No, of course not. He didn't exist, except in this odd, vivid dream. 

"If you're only a dream," he said then, lifting a hand to cup his cheek, "then there's no harm in my kissing you again."

"Iie," he returned softly. "No, I can't see that there is." And the beautiful stranger let him pull him closer this time, until the lean body lay atop him and their chests were pressed tight. The beautiful stranger was as light as a feather. Kouji wrapped his arms around the slender waist, and felt the touch of that sleek hair against the back of his hands. He kissed him deeply, parting his dream lover's lips with his tongue and probing inside that delicious mouth, tasting him. Wanting him. Needing him. It was a sensation like nothing he'd ever felt before. Not just physical desire. This was a hunger of the soul. A hunger only this man could assuage. He ran one hand down to his buttocks, and pressed him tighter to him as he feasted on the intoxicating flavor of his mouth.

And then, very gradually, Kouji felt himself fading, slipping slowly into a sleep that must rival heaven.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Hikou lifted himself from the bandit's wet body, taking his lips away, though it broke his heart to do so. He sat for only a moment, knowing he had to leave right away before the young bandit became lucid and realized he wasn't a figment of his imagination. But leaving him was the last thing he wanted to do.

He gazed down at Kouji, stroked his beautiful cobalt hair and his handsome face. It had been a miracle that he had overheard Houjun and Tasuki talking at the stronghold, else he would not have made it in time to catch the falling bandit. But being so despondent and close to death had enabled Kouji to see as well as hear him. He had never been so close to this young man, but Hikou had seen the sadness lingering in those beautiful green eyes. A deep hurt. He was lonely, and he had a good idea why.

"I do believe I love you, Kouji," he whispered. "And my only wish…my only wish is that I might have you for my own. I could heal those wounds you're hiding inside. I'd give anything…anything at all just to be alive again so that I could love you."

But it was a foolish wish, he knew. He had already died. And Kouji needed to keep living. It simply wasn't meant to be. He kissed his mouth once more, and then exited the cave, knowing that his old friend would eventually find Kouji. He returned to the enchanted mountain where he belonged. But he'd never be happy there. Never.


	2. 

Phantom Feelings

Chapter 2

By Sakata Ri Houjun

~***************~

The door to his bedroom busted open without so much as a knock and a redheaded blur came rushing in. Kouji barely had time to yank a sheet over himself and sit up before his buddy was on him. The younger bandit smacked Kouji lightly on the head, but it still left his ears ringing.

"God damned bastard!"

The older bandit barely managed a weak smile that only seemed to piss Tasuki off even more. "Yamero, Gen-chan. I'm injured here."

"And that fact alone is keeping me from beating your ass," he snarled back. "You know you could've died back there if Chichiri hadn't found you this morning? And then where would I be?"

"You'd have been fine without me, Genrou," Kouji muttered quietly as he frowned, envisioning his friend wrapped in his lover's arms and forgetting him completely.

"Iie, he wouldn't have been." The blue-haired monk stood in the doorway and sighed wearily. "Despite the strong front he puts up, you know as well as I do that Tasuki was very worried about you last night. We all were."

Kouji smirked at he looked up at the redhead. "Were you really worried, Gen-chan?"

"Don't change the fucking subject," he growled back menacingly. "You've been acting very fucked up in the head lately. I want to know why the hell you've been acting so stupid, going out last night in that storm."

"Tasuki," the older seishi murmured as he fully entered the room and wrapped his arms around his lover, trying to calm and contain the mounting anger. "Go easy on him, he's been through a lot lately. He needs some food and rest first."

"Yeah, yeah," the younger man muttered, knowing he would lose this argument. "Just so long as we talk, though." He shot a glare at his friend and Chichiri shook his head in exasperation before smiling at Kouji.

The blue-haired bandit nodded wearily, his smile slipping away as he yawned. He watched as his two friends exited his room and sighed. He knew they cared about him, but he still felt jealous of their love. It always seemed that he was just meant to be alone for the rest of his life, the best friend to the perfect couple.

Chichiri mentioned they were going to send in food, but he wasn't hungry in the least. Not for food, anyway. The soul-deep longing now gnawing away at the pit of his stomach was for the mysterious man he'd dreamed about. The one he'd held tight to him for all too short a time, the one he'd kissed as if there would be no tomorrow.

Gods, it had seemed so real!

Real. Right. But he was one hell of a hallucination. He woke this morning feeling more empty than he had before. And that was saying something. Better that he remain a fantasy. There would be no chance for them if he were real. Those eyes. They still lingered vividly in his mind. So deep and dark and fill with…with magic or something.

Kouji got out of bed and pulled on some clothes. He gave Genrou five minutes for good measure, before he slipped into the hallway, walking softly. He headed down the stairs and paused at the bottom. Hearing no one approaching, he hurried out the main entrance, and he never slowed his pace until he was outside the cave he had been found in.

He felt oddly calm, disconnected. And he realized what he was looking for.

It was him.

He was remembering the feeling that had washed over him when he's held that man in his arms. That feeling of…of peace. His pain had vanished. "Suzaku," he whispered. "I wish I could get that feeling back again."

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Hikou waited outside Taiitsukun's gilded hall. He paced nervously back and forth beneath glimmering violet spheres, and rehearsed again and again what he would say. He'd thought long and hard about this. He'd made his decision, but only Taiitsukun had the power to make his wish come true.

He'd given it time. Night after night, he'd waited for the yearning in his heart to fade away. But it had only grown stronger. He'd fallen in love with a mortal man. And he was about to compound it with this unprecedented request. But Kouji needed him. He couldn't shake this feeling that something was terribly wrong with the young bandit and he truly needed him.

The doors opened. He heard his name on a voice that sounded as old as time itself. "Hikou. You may approach me."

Swallowing hard, Hikou stiffened his spine and stepped through the doors. Taiitsukun floated above her ornate throne. One only needed to look at her and know that she was the controller of the world.

"You have a request?" Taiitsukun asked, and her voice was calm.

"Hai." Hikou licked his lips, searching for the lines he'd rehearsed.

"Don't be afraid. I already know what it is you wish."

"You do?"

She nodded, her robes moving magically with the motion. "You want to become mortal again. To be alive once more for the love of another."

Hikou blinked in surprise, but nodded. "Hai. Hai, that's what I want. It's the only way we can be together. And I have to be with him. I must."

"And if he doesn't feel the same?"

He felt his eyes widen. "I…I hadn't thought of that."

Taiitsukun smirked. "I don't believe you've done much thinking at all."

"Oh, but I have-"

"You've lost your life over another's love because she did not return your feelings. You almost destroyed several people's lives because of your bitterness from that rejection. For me to grant life again in this manner is rare and must be earned. What have you done to earn it?"

"My feelings are true," Hikou protested, stepping closer and thrusting his chin up to her in zeal. "I love him."

"Like you loved Kouran? You aren't sure. Would you have me take such drastic action only to learn later that you were wrong?"

Hikou bowed his head, and already phantom tears filled his eyes to brimming. 

"I make this decision for you, Hikou. You have no choice but to remain here on this mountain until Chichiri joins you."

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Hikou wasn't sure how long he had been standing there, on the very edge of Mount Taikyoku's borders. He was half out of his mind with grief. But at some point, a bubbly voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Why are you sad?"

His head came up fast to find the speaker. The cherub-looking Nyan Nyan's face was contorted into an expression of confusion as she hovered over his shoulder.

"Do you need help?" she intoned in her innocent voice. "I can help."

He laughed and shook his head. "You can't help me, little one. Go back and join your companions at your master's side."

"But I can help!" she protested. "I can make you human!"

That got his attention. "You? How can you do such a thing?"

"I have power too. I can help."

Hikou bit his lip, wondering if he should be ignoring this claim. And yet, he was curious. He knew that the Nyan Nyans were powerful indeed, had seen their skills and spells at work. But did they honestly have the power to make him mortal again? "How can you accomplish that?"

"I know a spell, a spell that'll help." She smiled, overjoyed that she could be of service to someone. "You'll be human for three days. But you can't tell him."

"Him?" Hikou raised an eyebrow.

"The one you love!" she squeaked happily. "He must fall in love with you for you to remain human. If he doesn't then you'll will die, never to see him again."

Hikou pursed his lips as he contemplated this. What was there for him to lose? His heart, of course. But Kouji had kissed him with a passion that had set him on fire. But then again he'd been delirious at the time. And probably thought that he had been dreaming as well.

Hikou drew in a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and faced the Nyan Nyan. "You're right, you can help me. I'll do it. I'll risk anything to be with Kouji."

The child-like servant clapped her hands in glee before closing her eyes in concentration. Hikou felt his whole being tingling, but he only thought of Kouji, of that soul-shattering kiss they'd shared, and the pain that haunted his green eyes.

A sharp wind came from out of nowhere and flung his body up into the air, and for a moment he felt it pounding into him, through him, yet he withstood it. He placed his hope in that this spell would work. He began to feel the air against his skin, stinging and cold, could hear it roaring in his ears, could feel his heart pounding with excitement as he understood what all this meant. 

Then the blasting wind slowly died away. And when it was gone, he realized with a startled glance where the wind had taken him. Mount Leikaku. More specifically, over it. He hung suspended in the air for a moment before gravity took control over his new flesh and blood body and he plummeted towards the rocky ground.


	3. 

Phantom Feelings

Chapter 3

By Sakata Ri Houjun

~****************~

Kouji sat on a rocky ledge, staring out at the vast mountains that had been his home for years, and trying to find some peace in his mind. But he couldn't. Night after night, he'd come out here, and pondered and puzzled over the man from his dream. He'd never been so moved by a dream before, and he sensed that it meant something. But for the life of him, he couldn't figure out what.

The full moon held no answers. The wind only whispered more questions. Why would he ever have a dream like that? He'd never be able to find another man like him. Not anywhere. And even assuming the impossible, he wouldn't give him a second glance. The way Kouji saw it, that kind of love came to those who earned it, people like Tasuki and Chichiri. He certainly hadn't. He didn't deserve the love and trust of another human being.

Absently scooping up a rough stone, Kouji stared out at the clear horizon. And just for a second, he thought he saw something there. A flash of white, a flag of dark hair sailing in the wind. He blinked and rubbed his eyes, but when he looked again, the apparition was gone. Vanished.

Damn. It was bad enough he'd dreamed of this fantasy man. If he started imagining him when he was awake as well, he'd really be worried. Nonetheless, he got to his feet, brushed off his bottom, and headed towards the path that would take him back to the stronghold.

Kouji went still at the voice that seemed to come from nowhere. From the darkness, or the valley, oror his own imagination. It was all but drowned out by the sound of something crashing into water.

Then there was a coughing, sputtering noise. Damn little chibi, trying to kill me before I get the chance to enjoy this!

Kouji battled the chill that raced down his spine as he headed to where he knew the sounds must be coming from. He told himself it was not the same voice he heard in his dream and that when he got there he would not see the same beautiful man.

His hair was wet, and dripping straggles clung to his face. It looked nearly black; though the bandit knew that could be a trick of all the water it held. Okay, so his resemblance to his dream lover might not be complete. Might not even all that strong. It had been awfully dark in that dream, after all. He quickly noted that he could not see through this man and sighed in relief. Well, then, maybe he hadn't totally lost his mind yet.

The man slogged out of the lake, wringing bunches of his white tunic as he went. Coming right toward him, though he hadn't seen Kouji yet. I'll break that face of hers when I see her again. I'll take her short arms and tie them up in knots, and then-" His dark eyes found deep green then and he stopped in his tirade.

Even in the moonlight, Kouji knew they were dark. Deep as any eyes he'd even seen. He almost fell into them as he stood there, staring at him. And when he finally found his voice, he couldn't think of a thing to say. What could he say? Hi. Remember me? We were making out the other night, right after you caught me in midair. Only you were transparent then. 

He cleared his throat. Whose arms are you going to tie in knots?

The man blinked, his eyes widening a bit farther. The wretched littlegirl who dumped me in this lake.

What girl? Kouji sent a pointed glance beyond him, but saw no one.

You won't find here, he answered scowling. But Suzaku help her should I.

You aren't a pedophile or a slave trader? Kouji crossed his arms as he stared hard at the man he kept insisting was a stranger to him.

The man shook his head. That girl merely claimed she could help me and then had the gall to dump me here like that. He sighed as he smiled at Kouji. But I am grateful that she at least got me here. He came closer to the bandit, gathering up another section of his tunic, twisting it mercilessly in his hands. 

He stopped when he stood very close to him. Kouji couldn't stop himself from reaching out, and brushing a few wet strands of hair away that clung to his forehead. Daijobou desu ka?

He only gazed back at him and nodded.

Kouji stared back, blown away by the urge that overwhelmed him. The urge to pull him right into his arms and begin again where they'd left off the other night. Onlythat had been a dream. Hadn't it?

Do I know you? You seem so

For the first time the man's gaze fell away. I only just arrived in these mountains this evening.

Kouji's shoulders slumped. Then I couldn't have met you before, could I?

I don't suppose so.

He had to touch him. Didn't matter that he was a stranger and had nothing to do with his dream. He had no choice in the matter. The bandit's hand clasped his, in what he hoped seemed like a friendly shake. I'm Kouji.

He lifted those dark eyes again and even smiled a little. I'm called Hikou.

He said softly, and saying his name was almost like kissing him again. The way the syllables caressed his tongue as they passed.

He shook himself, and added, If you'll tell me where you're staying I'll show you the way back.

Hikou bit his lower lip. I'm not sure where I'll be staying. Coming up here was a spur of the moment decision.

Impulsive, aren't you?

His grin was quick and stunning. Hai, so I've been told.

It doesn't matter. Kouji took his shoulder. Yes, it was just an excuse to touch him again. There's a place up the path a ways. It's where I live. Come home with me. We'll get you dried out, and then we'll find you a place to stay in the morning.

You don't want me to stay with you longer than overnight? Hikou smirked as Kouji blushed.

You wouldn't like it up there for too long. It's way too crowded and

A haven for unscrupulous bandits, such as yourself?

Kouji's head snapped up as his eyes narrowed. How did you know?

Hikou shrugged. Everyone knows about the Mount Leikaku bandits. This is Mount Leikaku, is it not? Kouji nodded. And you are a bandit, are you not? Again, Kouji nodded. 

But most people tend to steer clear of this place because of it, he pointed out. Bandits are a shitty bunch who can't be trusted.

Hikou's hands fluttered lightly up to the younger man's shoulders, deep black meeting rich green. But you aren't like that and I trust you. Kudasai, Kouji. I won't impose for long, I promise. Three days are all I need.

His shaggy brows drew together as he studied his face. What happens in three days?

I won't know until they've passed, he told him. But whatever happens, I won't require your hospitality beyond that.

Kouji shook his head, still baffled. Gods, was he running from something? Some one? Was he a criminal or a victim?

Since his hands had taken the liberty of resting on his shoulders, he didn't think he was stepping out of line when his lowered to clasp the slender waist. Are you in some kind of trouble, Hikou?

I might be, Kouji. And you're the only one who might be able to help me.

Damn. He was trouble with a capital T. And the last thing he wanted to do was let this man waltz into his life for three days and then disappear again. Vanish into the air as quickly as he had appeared from it. There was an ominous feeling writhing around in the pit of his stomach, telling him to run for his life.

But despite that and the circumstances, holding Hikou this way felt incredible.


	4. Chapter 4

Phantom Feelings

Chapter 4

By Sakata Ri Houjun

~*****************~

Hikou swore silently to himself.  He wanted to be with Kouji every possible moment of his three days here.  He needed that time if he were to succeed.  He had such a short amount of time to make this young man fall in love with him.  He thought it would be easy after the way he'd kissed him in the cave.  But this time, Kouji hadn't even wanted him to stay longer than overnight.  It might not be as simple as he'd anticipated.

And he couldn't afford to be subtle.

Earlier, once Kouji had brought the still soaking Hikou to his room in order to find him a dry change of clothes, he had dropped all pretenses and immediately began to strip off his wet shirt, hoping that it would cause a reaction in the bandit.  It caused a reaction alright.  Kouji merely blushed before leaving the room to allow Hikou privacy to change.

Now here he was sitting in the darkened hall where he knew the bandits ate.  The room was vast and filled with long wooden tables lined with chairs.  It smelled of sake and food and had several crates stacked up along the walls.  Kouji had disappeared into the kitchen to see if he could find anything for the older man to eat. 

Suddenly, Hikou heard voices coming from behind him.  He spun to watch as Chichiri and Tasuki entered the large hall, the bandit's arm slung about his lover's waist as they laughed.  Then the monk's laughter died away when took notice that they weren't alone and stiffened once he recognized the figure seated at the table.  Tasuki took in his companion's reaction before he too identified Hikou.

And he was the first to react. 

He removed his arm from Chichiri's waist and whipped out his tessen, perceiving the former demon as a threat.  He assumed a defensive position in front of his lover.  Fortunately, the older seishi sensed no malevolence emanating from his old friend and quickly restrained his lover before he could attack.

"Let me the fuck go, Chiri!" the bandit bellowed.

Chichiri's lone eye never left Hikou's face as he held onto Tasuki, even as his old friend rose and approached the pair.  "Hikou," the monk began quietly, "why are you here?"

"I have my reasons," he replied simply.  "They have nothing to do with you."

"Chiri," Tasuki interjected as he struggled.  "Let me fry the son of a bitch.  I won't let him hurt us again."

"Tasuki, calm down." 

Hikou's gaze shifted from the monk to the bandit and he smiled gently.  "I'm truly sorry for what I did back then.  I wasn't thinking clearly about the consequences of my actions, however, as I've said, why I'm here isn't about that or deals with either of you.  Although I wouldn't blame either of you if you resented my presence here because of my actions."

Tasuki let out a long breath, as he seemed to accept the former demon's answer for now.  However, something still wasn't adding up for him.  "If you aren't here for us, then why are you here, damnit?"

"I'm here for myself," he answered as he locked gazes with Chichiri again.

"What do you mean?" Chichiri pressed further, still holding onto his lover even though his struggles began to slow.

But before Hikou could answer, Kouji returned with a small tray laden with fruit and bread, not even taking notice of his friends' presences.  "Here's what I managed to scrounge up.  I hope it'll do for now."

Both seishi widened their eyes and Tasuki resumed his struggles, which then drew Kouji's attention to the pair.  "Hey, what are you two doing up?"

Chichiri offered a weak smile to cover up his shock.  "Tasuki got a little hungry and we came down here to find him something to eat.  Sometimes, I think he's getting as bad as Miaka, no da."

That redirected the redhead's wrath from Hikou to his lover.  "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Kouji laughed as he set the tray down on the table Hikou had been sitting at before.  "I see you two met Hikou already, so I won't bother with introductions."

"Hai," the taller man answered.  "I've just met them.  I take it they're your friends?"  Kouji nodded even though he had a rather confused look on his face as he watched the struggling couple.

Chichiri understood then what his childhood friend meant with those words.  He decided to play along with the ruse until he could corner Hikou and inquire how he managed to accomplish such a feat.  He guessed that Taiitsukun possibly could be behind this, but the mage couldn't sense her magical signature upon Hikou.  This was something a little different and well-disguised.   However, he needed to get his lover out of the room before he shoved that foot of his into his mouth again.

"I guess we'll just go back to bed, no da."  He quickly clamped a hand over Tasuki's mouth before the bandit could protest.

"Demo, I thought you said that Tasuki was hungry?" Kouji asked as he furrowed his brow.

Chichiri nodded as he began to back towards the door, towing a resisting redhead with him.  "However, I think he'll survive until morning, no da.  Oyasumi, na no da."  And then the pair was out the door, leaving Kouji and Hikou alone.

About halfway down the hall, the mage let loose a spell that quickly transported the two of them to their room because he could feel Tasuki breaking free of his grip.  Once they materialized within the confines of their quarters, he released the bandit who immediately spun and shoved Chichiri against the wall in irritation.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" he demanded.

"I don't think it'd be wise to tell Kouji just who his visitor really is."

"Oh?  And why not?  That demon nearly killed us both, remember?"  Tasuki crossed his arms and shook his head.

"Demo, he's not a demon anymore.  I redeemed him and he was freed once Tenkou was destroyed.  I don't think he intends to do anyone harm by being here."  He reached up to run his fingers through the fiery hair of his lover as he spoke.

Tasuki sighed.  "Maybe not to us, but Kouji…"

"I think he's just what Kouji needs," the monk insisted.

"No, he's not," the bandit argued.

Chichiri smiled as he kissed his lover softly.  "Funny, I remember thinking the same thing about you, no da.  Demo, you turned out to be exactly what I needed.  You saved me from myself."

Tasuki wrapped his arms about the older man's waist.  "But I still have a bad feeling about this."

The monk touched his nose to his lover's and smiled reassuringly.  "Daijobou, no da.  I'll keep an eye on my friend if you're so worried.  If he steps out of line at any time, I'll let you flame him.  How does that sound, na no da?"

Tasuki chuckled evilly.  "Deal.  However, I'm still hungry."

The older seishi pouted.  "Gomen, no da.  I could teleport back to the kitchen to get you something."

"Nah," the redhead returned as his hands moved to untie his lover's pants.  "You're just going to have to satisfy me till morning."

"Since you're so insistent, no da…"

*~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Kouji sipped his drink and swore.

"Fine mood you're in this morning, no da."

He scowled at the grinning monk and then shifted his gaze to his best friend who only slouched further down in his seat as he frowned.

"A stranded stranger is the last thing I need around here.  Especially one like him."

"I agree," Tasuki added to which Chichiri kicked him in retaliation.

"One like him, na no da?"  The monk propped his elbows on the table and leaned forward.  "Is that so?"

Kouji grunted as he bit into a piece of fruit.  "I can't help but think that guy is trouble."

"Here, here."  Tasuki then leapt up with a yelp of pain and glared at his smirking lover who hadn't even moved or bothered to acknowledge the young redhead.

"I think you could do with that kind of trouble, Kouji-kun, na no da."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he asked as he sent a sidelong glance through the doorway to the staircase beyond.  No sign of him yet.  Good.  He wasn't sure he could handle seeing Hikou in the daylight…seeing the embodiment of the dream he'd had as he'd lain near death in that cave.  Holding the peach in one hand, he pushed back his chair and got up.

"Where are you going now, Kouji?" Tasuki demanded as he rubbed his sore bottom.

"Out."

He stalked around the table and through the doors.  Escape was within reach.  The front door stood just to his left.  But he appeared, just like magic, on the stairway at his right.

Hikou paused there, tilting his head slightly and studying him with those unnaturally deep black eyes.  And he smiled, sending something fluttering in the bandit's chest.

"Ohayo, Kouji."

"Ohayo."  He sent a longing glace toward the door before his gaze snapped back to him again.  Hikou wore a burgundy tunic over a pair of gray pants that Kouji had found for him last night.  He knew that they were a little big on him, but they managed to fit the taller man perfectly.  And his hair, that long curtain of dark satin, was bound in a secure ponytail that hung nearly to his waist.

The older man smiled again and came the rest of the way down the stairs.  He approached Kouji, stood directly in front of him, staring into his green eyes.  

Hikou was doing something to him with those eyes of his.  He could swear he was.  Fine.  He could deal with this.  It had been dark that night.  He probably dreamed it all anyway.  And so what if he'd dreamed of a man who looked a good deal like this one?  Didn't mean anything.  Maybe it had been a premonition or something, not that he'd ever believed in that sort of nonsense. 

"Did you sleep well?" he asked, just to kill the heavy silence.

"Iya.  Actually, I didn't sleep well at all."

He squirmed.  It was not the response he'd expected.  "Gomen.  I know my bed can be a little uncomfortable at times…"

"Oh no, the bed was fine."

"Then why didn't you sleep?"

Hikou shrugged, reaching for the peach the bandit held without breaking their eye contact, even as he bit into the half-eaten fruit.  "I don't know, for sure.  Perhaps it was just loneliness."

A shiver worked right up the bandit's spine.  "I have to go," he muttered, making no apologies.

"Where?" he asked.

"Nowhere you'd be interested in," he assured the older man.  "Just out to wander the mountain a bit."

"I'd love to come with you, Kouji.  I've always had a passion for the mountains, you know."

"P-passion?"  Kouji's pants were getting a little too tight.

"Will you show me your mountain home, Kouji?"  That intense gaze bored into his for a long moment. 

The bandit's palms were damp.  The nape of his neck, prickling and itching.  "I…uh…  Do you mind?"

He lifted his head with a snap to send the loose strands of his hair flying back from his face.  "Hai, Kouji.  As a matter of fact, I do."  At his astounded expression, he moved closer, his hands slipping over his shoulders.  And he bent his head down so he spoke close to his ear.  "I told you earlier, I've only three days to spend here.  The least you can do is keep me company."

Kouji's body was all stiff.  Hikou felt the way he tensed beneath his hands.  "You say that as if I owe you something."

"Now that's a strange thing to say, Kouji.  It's not as if I saved you from falling, now is it?"

The bandit's green eyes were wide and angry.  "Nani?"

Hikou gave him what he hoped was an elusive smile.  The Nyan Nyan had said he couldn't tell him who he was.  But not that he could drop a few hints.  "I was merely pointing out that it was you who rescued me when I fell into that lake, and not the other way around.  If anyone owes anyone a thing here, it would be I owing you."

Kouji blinked, eyes narrowing as he apparently sought hidden meanings behind the older man's words.

"So, I suppose I ought to leave you be, if that's what you want.  You might well have saved my life.  And when someone saves my life, I figure the least I can do is show him or her gratitude.  Spend time with them, should they ask it.  Or leave them alone, should that be their desire.  So I'll return to your room now, Kouji."

The bandit's Adam's apple made a swell in his throat when he swallowed.  And Hikou knew he was getting his meaning.  He had been the one who'd saved his life and he knew it…or, perhaps, he only suspected it.  Or maybe he only knew it deep down inside, where you knew the things too strange to be kept on the surface with the mundane.  Still, his barb seemed to prick his conscience, as intended.

"Daijobou," Kouji said softly, still looking as if he'd just been dealt a blow.  "I'll show you around."  He reached out to take his arm, but Hikou danced a step away so his grip closed on his hand instead of his elbow.  And the older man twined his fingers with the bandit's and squeezed tight.

Kouji's eyes fixed on their joined hands, and he stared as if in wonder.  And then he returned that squeeze, and led him out the building.


	5. 5

Phantom Feelings

Chapter 5

By Sakata Ri Houjun

~***************~

Hikou teased with his words, twisting them around until he thought it had been him after all, that night he fell from the ledge.  Maybe he'd been there, somehow, near that cave, and his mind had only conjured the rest:  his transparent form, and the way he'd seemed to float in the air as he was dragged into the cave.

And the way he'd kissed him?

Damn, had that been real, or a dream?  Had any of it been real at all?

Kouji held Hikou's hand as he led him around the stronghold.  The older man's hand nestled in his…so warm and sending shivers of awareness up his arm and straight to his libido.  Especially the way he kept occasionally moving his fingers, just slightly.  Enough to gently rake a nail across his palm, or rub his forefinger along the side of one of his own, or twist his palm back and forth over his.  The bandit had never dreamed holding hands could be so erotic.

He didn't want this.  Even if he had kissed Hikou in the cave, he'd been delirious, only semi-conscious.  It hadn't meant a damn thing.  Kouji didn't want to want the older man.  And he damned well didn't deserve for him to want him.

But he did.  And Hikou was doing precious little to hide it.

"Your occupation is very interesting, Kouji."

"Arigatou, I think."

Hikou used his free hand to reach over and brush aside a low-hanging branch from their path.  The motion looked so smooth to the bandit, and arousing.  He couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to feel.

"Do you venture alone out here?"

"Usually."  He swallowed hard, willing for the older man to drop the subject.

Hikou's brow drew together.  "Sounds like it's a rule you've made.  The question would be why?"  His fingers tightened on Kouji's, and he turned to look at him, to scrutinize his face intensely.  "I see in your eyes that the subject pains you."

"I don't discuss it," he said, but it didn't carry the none-of-your-damned-business tone he'd intended.

"Kouji, you can discuss it with me, you know."

"No, I don't know.  I'm not even sure I want to."  Hikou's eyelids suddenly fell, and the bandit knew he'd hurt him somehow.  "Tell me, Hikou, why it is you think I'd be comfortable sharing confidences with a stranger?  Tell me that if you can."

"I would if I could," he whispered.  And then his chin lowered to his chest.

Kouji couldn't help himself.  He was compelled to hook a finger beneath that chin, to lift it until he looked into his eyes again.  "Tell me…tell me something, Hikou."

"Look at me with your heart, Kouji, and not just your eyes.  Your heart will tell you all you need to know.  We're not strangers, you and I."

Damn.  The tone of his voice, the look in his eyes… he was damned if he wasn't believing him.  He was so familiar, and he had been all along.  Narrowing his eyes on Hikou's face, he whispered, "Who are you, Hikou?  What is it you want from me?"

"It's not so much I'm wanting, Kouji.  Only your heart."

He said it with a little smile, as if he were making a joke.  But Kouji believed every word.  He caught the older man's other hand in his, so he held them both now, firmly, in his own.  "Don't pin anything on my heart, Hikou.  There's no more feeling left there.  You understand?"

"Hai, Kouji.  I understand."

"Good."

"Demo, I only have three days to spend in your world and I intend to savor them."

In your world?  What the hell…

No time to analyze it now, Hikou had whirled around and was walking away.  Kouji had to rush after him as he meandered down the path that led away from the stronghold, his long hair picked up by a slight breeze.  Down the sloped path that led to the stony cliffs, Kouji trailing after him.

"Dammit, Hikou, ya just can't take off like that."

The older man tossed a taunting smile over his shoulder.  "And you don't have to follow me."  He chuckled as he continued walking.

Kouji lips twitched and pulled at the corners.  The anger he tried to cling to melted like butter at the sound of his laughter, and in a moment, he was smiling fully.  "Glad to know you're finding this amusing."  Hikou stopped and turned around, meeting his eyes, and Kouji froze there as both of their smiles slowly died.

"I love it when you smile," the older man told him.  "You don't do it very often, you know."

He was beautiful, this way.  The wind and sunlight playing tag in his long midnight hair.  The light dancing in his black eyes.  The wonder.  And still, that longing.  He intended to turn back, but Hikou moved close beside him, covering his hands with his own.

"Just a short walk, Kouji, onegai.  We won't venture out far."

"I-"

The bandit broke off, because there was something in the older man's eyes that made it impossible to refuse him.  "All right, a short hike.  And then we're heading back, got it?"

He nodded.  But those hot, heavy-lidded eyes never left his. 

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

The pair settled down for a rest before they would return to the stronghold.  Hikou sat still closer to the bandit.  His hip touched him, and his thigh and his knee and his shin.  His shoulder.  And as the younger man sighed, Hikou lowered his head to rest it on his shoulder, and Kouji's heart skipped a beat.

We're not strangers, you and I.

No, they were not strangers.  Not when he felt this…connected to him, this drawn.  The questions remained.  But Kouji let them fall by the wayside as he relaxed beside Hikou, just a little.  Let himself enjoy their nearness.  Felt a light entering his soul.  And then he went utterly stiff.

Hikou saw the look of wonder in the bandit's eyes.  "You look as if you've seen a ghost."

"It's nothing.  I'm just getting a feeling a déjà vu, that's all."

Hikou blinked in surprise, and then bit his lip.  Suzaku, but he'd let himself get carried away in the moment.  Let the touch of the wind and the feel of the man beside him overwhelm his common sense.  He wondered for a moment, if he'd pushed the limits of the rules too far.  He closed his eyes, braced himself and waited.  But he didn't die as the seconds passed, and could only breathe a sigh of relief and whisper a prayer of thanks.

"That night…the night of my accident…"

"Oh?  You had an accident?"  Hikou averted his eyes as Kouji's probed and sought.

"You know perfectly well that I did.  You were there.  You…I kissed you."  He shook his head as if trying to shake water from his hair.  "But I thought it was just a dream."

"Perhaps it was, Kouji.  And perhaps it wasn't.  And perhaps you ought to kiss me again.  Just in case."

Kouji looked at him, and the older man watched, as his gaze dipped to his lips as if against his will before he turned away.  He stood abruptly, his movement harsh and quick.  He was angry.  Hikou thought miserably that he couldn't seem to anything right.  

Kouji then knelt in front of him, gripped his shoulders, and bored holes into his eyes with his probing stare.  "I have to know what really happened that night."

"And I'll tell you.  When my three days are up.  It will no longer matter then, and I'll tell you everything, Kouji."  He lifted a hand to his face, stroked his wild hair back, away from his forehead.  "Until then, can't you just enjoy my company, as I'm enjoying yours?"

Kouji continued staring, but the anger faded.  Something else replaced it in his green eyes.  His hands on the older man's shoulders kneaded, and his gaze focused once again on his lips.  Hikou ran his tongue over them, hoping what he saw what he thought he saw in the bandit's eyes.  Lust wasn't love, but it was a start.  Kouji leaned forward.  Closer, so slowly it was as if he were being pulled there involuntarily.  His lips hovered a hair's-breadth from the older man's.  And then there came the shrill cry of a bird in the distance, and Kouji's hands fell away, his eyes widening in something like panic.

"Kuso!"  He scrambled to his feet and started walking the path back to the bandits' base.

"I'm not ready to go back yet, Kouji."

"Then you're a fucking baka."

The older man winced at his words, but felt something dark and hurtful lingering beneath them.

"We need to start heading back anyways, before the others start to worry," he added in a much gentler tone, sending a glance over his shoulder at Hikou.  "Besides, you have no idea what can happen out here, how suddenly a pleasurable walk can turn into disaster."

Hikou tilted his head, narrowed his eyes.  "But you do."

"Yeah.  I sure as hell do."


	6. 6

Phantom Feelings

Chapter 6

By Sakata Ri Houjun

~***************~

It wasn't Hikou that Kouji was angry with. It was himself. Because he wanted the older man more with every breath he drew, and he knew it wasn't just physical. He didn't want this. The older man was forcing it on him, making him feel things he'd decided he'd never feel. Things he didn't deserve to feel. But it would pass, because Hikou had told him he only had three days here. He knew, instinctively, that he wouldn't stay longer. The bandit thought he might want toand at the same time, he was almost certain he'd stay longer if he asked him to. But he wouldn't ask. He'd wait it out, protect himself from the lure of the older man, until his time was up. And then it would be over, and things could back to normal.

No beautiful face across the table. No curious questions and untamed enthusiasm. No one pestering him during his walks. No one making his heart beat for what felt like the first time in two years. There'd be no one, once Hikou left. No one at all.

He walked, and walked, and walked. Eventually, Kouji realized that they were nowhere near the stronghold, that his thoughts had distracted him from noticing just where they were headed.

Hikou hadn't noticed where they were going either, that bit of knowledge wasn't the most important thing on his mind. The thing that was, was Kouji's pain. He could see it so very clearly. It shone from his eyes and cried from his soul. It was in his walk, his voice, and his very essence. A hurt that enveloped him like a shroud, refusing to let him feel pleasure or happiness or love. And suddenly, his own life and death didn't seem nearly as important as removing that funeral shroud from Kouji's vibrant soul.

Hikou stood close behind the bandit, not saying anything, just standing there. When Kouji turned to look at him, Hikou looked past to the cave just beyond. Suzaku, what were they doing here?

Ah, Kouji, he whispered. I thought we were going back to the stronghold.

Gomen, but I got mixed up back there. We'll have to turn around and backtrack.

Hikou noticed that his eyes were still haunted as he turned back to the cave again. He knew that the bandit had spent several years here. He would never get mixed up or lose his sense of direction in these mountains.

However, I'm kinda tired, so let's sit for a while, `kay? He plopped down just outside the cave's entrance, Hikou joining him.

The older man watched his companions' features for a while before reaching over and cupping his face, fingers slipping into his cobalt hair. Kouji, don't you know I'm here for you? Can't you see me here?

I see you. I can't stop seeing you.

I've come to make it better, Kouji.

The bandit blinked the moisture from his eyes and moved his gaze out towards the distant horizon.

I didn't realize it at first, of course, Hikou went on, rubbing a lock of that untamed hair between thumb and forefinger as the wind whipped the rest. Like satin, his dark hair. I didn't come here for selfish reasons. There's no such thing as a coincidence, Kouji. It was not pure chance I chose that night to visit you. And it was not longing alone that told me that I must come to you now. You need me, Kouji. You wished for me, and that's why I'm here.

Kouji dragged his gaze from the horizon, and finally locked it with the older man's. There's nothing you can do.

So you believe. But you have to let me try. Otherwise, your wish will be wasted.

The bandit stared at him for a moment, unblinking, searching.

You've nothing to lose, have you, Kouji? And if telling me what troubles you does you no good, well you've lost nothing. I'll be gone soon, and you can pretend you remained indifferent and solitary straight to the end. You can pretend I was never here, make believe I was a dream, the way you've done before.

He blinked at him in astonishment, but Hikou only smiled. He took the bandit's hand in his, and pulled him closer. Talk to me. You know you want to.

Kouji stayed in the older man's embrace a bit before sliding down and shifting until his head was resting in Hikou's lap. He shifted his gaze from the man's face to the sky overhead and back again, searching for the words that would help to express his pain.

Hikou played idly with the bandit's hair, and waited for him to begin. And when he didn't, he said, Tasuki is your close friend. When he lived here before becoming a Suzaku Shichiseishi, he was your partner, and your brother.

I loved him.

Hikou sighed in relief. He was talking, at least. And you lost him.

He never loved me back. I was only a friend to him, even when we he trailed off as he squeezed his eyes shut. I thought when the war was over, he would come back to me and we could return to how we were before he followed the Suzaku no Miko.

And he didn't? Hikou questioned, even though he already knew the answer.

Iya. He stayed away for three fucking years, leaving me dangling and waiting with my thumb up my ass and Then two years ago, he came back, with Chichiri in tow. I should have seen that coming, I guess. I kinda noticed it during the war, but I didn't want to believe that he dumped me for a monk.

Hikou bit his lip as a familiar sadness washed over his soul.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for him, for their love. And for the longest time it seemed that I didn't lose a lover, but gained a new buddy. Demo, they shared something that I wasn't a part of. They would often go off, just the two of them, into their own happy little world where I didn't belong. I felt left out and forgotten, as if I no longer mattered to either of them anymore.

Hikou closed his eyes and closed both his hands around one of Kouji's, squeezing gently.

There are times that I just want nothing more than to destroy their happiness, just so that they know how I've felt all this time. But I can't. So instead, I've begun to hate myself, hating what I've become. I wander these mountains whenever I feel the anguish of knowing that I'll never know what it feels like, the love that Genrou has with Chichiri.

And what makes you certain of that? Hikou whispered.

Kouji blew a sigh. How in the hell can I not be? They deserve their love after all they had been through. Who am I to destroy that? What have I done with my life to earn even their friendship, let alone the love of another? If they only knew how much I envy them The hand Hikou held curled into a fist before he pulled it free.

That isn't true, Kouji.

The bandit jerked up and faced the older man. How can you say that? How can it not be true? They lost so much, the two of them. It's only right that they've found happiness. All I've done is lie and steal all my life. I don't even have the capacity for love anymore.

Demo, Kouji, every soul has the capacity for love, he whispered.

The bandit's brows drew together.

You've no way of knowing what lies ahead of you in the future. Are you so certain that you've nothing to look forward to? Do you not think that somewhere is a person who can and does love you with all their heart? If you keep this mindset up, the only thing that will be certain is heartache and pain for you and those around you.

Kouji gave his head a shake, blinked, and searched the older man's face. You talk as if you know.

Well, it does make sense. Kouji, souls need love to survive or else they destroy those around them.

How can you know that?

He shrugged. How can you not?

Kouji stared at Hikou hard for a long moment, then shoved himself to his feet and began pacing toward the edge of the ridge. Hikou rose as well, keeping pace.

The bandit walked rapidly, right up to the lip of the ledge, and stared out at the horizon as the wind whipped through his hair. And finally, he shook his head hard. Iya. Iya, I don't believe it. I'm just meant to be alone and that's all there is to it.

And because they were seishi means they are the only ones worthy of finding love and that you have no right to feel any heartfelt emotion? Instead, must you wander these mountains during the direst of storms, shaking your fists at the black night sky, and challenging the gods? And part of you wishes the darkness would win. It nearly did, the last time, Kouji.

It wasn't like that.

No? How was it, then? His hands curled over the bandit's shoulders, felt the tension there.

Not suicidal, he told him. That kind of thing isn't in me, Hikou. I was angry when I went out that night. Furious. Raging, just as I've been since I learned the truth. Going out in that stormI was lashing out at the winds and the sky and maybe even the gods themselves, I guess. Daring them, yeah, but I never had any doubt I'd survive. Beat fate. Petty vengeance, at best. At worst, I suppose you could call it a temper tantrum.

But it wasn't the first time you've taken such a risk.

Kouji bent low, scooped up a small smooth stone and pitched it over the edge. Probably won't be the last either.

Suicidal or not, Kouji, you could be killed. Last time

Last time I probably would have fallen, if not for you. He turned slowly and stared into his black eyes. I don't know how, but I know you were there. You were, weren't you?

Hikou averted his eyes. 

Don't lie to me. If I need anything from you right now, Hikou, it's the truth.

What you need from me is healing.

Nothing can give me that. Healing. It's never gonna happen.

Hikou bit his lip. I used to feel the same way, he whispered as he slipped one hand into the folds of his borrowed tunic and closed it around the tiny jade talisman he wore. He thought it over, and made his decision, nodding once, firmly when he did. If he were to die two short days from now, he'd have no more need of this necklace.

He took the thong from around his neck, and cupped the green circle in his palms. It was the same color as the bandit's eyes. Hold out your hand, Kouji.

Just do it.

Slowly, Kouji's hand rose, palm cupped to receive the gift, and closing his eyes, Hikou placed the charm there. This was given to me by a dear friend, long ago. He helped me back then, therefore I now give it to you.

The bandit frowned at his solemn tone, glancing down at the jade circle, and up at Hikou again. I don't know what you're-"

Open your heart, Kouji, he whispered. Look. See the truth that eludes you, and put an end to this torment.

Kouji frowned hard, his narrowed eyes studying Hikou's face, as he stepped closer to him, then almost hesitantly, dipping lower to focus on the object in his hands, the jade circle almost seeming to glow in the fading light.

Hikou touched his face with his palm. And then he turned and moved silently away, praying it would be enough to save him from the darkness of his soul.


	7. 7

Phantom Feelings

Chapter 7

By Sakata Ri Houjun

~****************~

Kouji hadn't returned during the night or the slowly passing morning, and Hikou was too sick to his stomach to eat. Over twenty-four hours now, since his arrival. An entire day gone, with not much progress made. Suzaku, but he didn't want to die again. For the first time, he wondered if he'd made a terrible mistake by bargaining with his heart.

And then he thought about the shivers that had rushed up his spine when the bandit had kissed him that night in the cave, and he knew he hadn't. He must try. He had to reach Kouji somehow.

Before him sat Chichiri and Tasuki, both of whom were just as worried as Hikou about Kouji's whereabouts. They had listened to his account of the events yesterday afternoon, and he had told most everything except what the bandit had confided in him after he had managed to get the younger man to explore his pain.

Wonder where Kouji wandered off to? Tasuki wondered aloud for the hundredth time. That bastard's never stayed away this long without telling someone first. He cast a suspicious look in the former demon's direction.

Chichiri only looked worried. Hikou continued to sip his water, which, ironically, seemed to be the only thing he could stand at the moment, and then placed his cup on the table. I'm afraid it might be my fault, he admitted guiltily.

Damn straight, it is, the young bandit snapped as he glared at his lover's friend. You should never have come here. If anything's happened to my friend because of you, I'll shove my tessen up your ass.

Chichiri frowned at the redhead before facing Hikou. Are you sure he didn't he tell you anything yesterday?

Hikou shook his head. Gomen nasai. We talked for a little while and He paused and swallowed before he continued. He spoke of the reason why he's been so miserable.

Tasuki's expression changed from one of anger to one of shock. He actually opened up to you about that? After only knowing you a fucking day?

What did he say? the monk inquired.

The former demon looked down in shame as he sighed. I think you know why. His problems parallel those from my past.

I see. Well, Chichiri said, and a knowing look passed over his face. That confirms my suspicions. And this has been going on for two years, ever since I followed Tasuki here and made Mount Leikaku my home.

Demo, he has better control over his jealousy than I ever did. Unfortunately, that doesn't make the situation better.

the monk mused thoughtfully. He did love Tasuki very much, or at least the Genrou part of him. I can understand his emotions very well, to know that you have lost someone you care for to another.

Hai, but I'm afraid he-"

Shut up, Tasuki finally spoke up, softly. Both Hikou and Chichiri stared at the otherwise silent bandit as his hands clenched on the table. Kouji's been falling apart in front of my fucking eyes all this time and he would never tell me what the fuck his problem was. I've been so scared he'd He sighed and bit his lip. I've known that baka's been in love with me and I loved him back, but not the same way he did. We've known each other for years and I knew I'd never fall in love with him that way. And after a day, he opened up to Hikou.

Tasuki took his lover's hand before closing his eyes. Good for you, the younger seishi finally spoke. It's about time Kouji opened himself up to someone, even if it had to be you. He's been hurting and seemed faded as time passed. I want the old Kouji back and I can't bring him back. He opened his eyes and looked at Hikou then with a sad smile. But I think you can.

Hikou said carefully, not wanting to ruin this new amity created with the temperamental bandit. Kouji is of a mind to live his life alone.

Chichiri nodded, his lips forming a thin, disapproving line.

But why? the bandit asked.

Punishing himself. The same way I had.

The same way you'd what?

Kouji's deep voice came from the doorway, and all three of them jumped like children caught doing something they oughtn't. Hikou held Kouji's inquisitive stare, lifting his chin, determined not to be less then honest with him. 

I'd been blaming myself the same way you are for something I had done a long time ago.

The older bandit came the rest of the way into the room, yanked out a chair and sat down. He reached for a bottle of sake that Tasuki had been drinking from and took a hefty swallow. Did you now?

Hikou held his gaze, and he could feel the energy zapping between their eyes. A pull. A magnet that nearly drew him right out of his chair and into the bandit's arms. And Kouji felt it too. He must.

Then the midnight-haired man rose from the table. I believe I'll go back up and get some rest now, if you'll all excuse me. No one said a word. They just watched him as he turned and moved through the dining room. 

But something stopped him, something made Hikou turn and step up to Kouji's chair, despite that the bandit's spine went rigid at his approach. He didn't turn. So the taller man leaned over him, until his lips were very close to his ear, and he whispered, I'm beginning to think you need me as much as I need you, Kouji. I only hope you realize it before it's too late. He brushed a gentle kiss across his cheek, and then he turned and hurried away.

Tasuki glared at Kouji after Hikou's footsteps died away. The two seishi couldn't have heard what he'd whispered to him. Kouji had, though, dammit. He still heard it. Hikou's heartfelt whisper breezed through his mind over and over, making him grate his teeth and order his libido silent.

Kouji met then his friend's accusing stare. You don't know the kind of chaos that guy's caused me yesterday. Sighing, he shook his head. Never mind. Why the hell am I explaining myself, anyway? I'm a fucking grown man.

You're a fucking grown asshole, Tasuki muttered quietly. Any blind man could see that guy's falling for you.

Yeah, well I don't want him falling for me. I don't want anyone falling for me.

Tasuki shoved his chair away from the table. Maybe it's time you did even if you're too damned stubborn to admit that! He got to his feet, turned, and left the room. Kouji heard him go upstairs to his chamber, heard the door slam. 

Chichiri shook his head before excusing himself and standing. Gomen ne, Kouji-kun. But Tasuki is right, for once. I used to think the same way you did, that I didn't want anyone caring about me. But you saw what happened. Love can't be denied, no matter when it happens or what form it takes. You can't fight it, merely accept it as the gift it's intended to be or else you'll end up killing yourself because life won't be worth living. The monk then left to follow his lover up the stairs.

The blue-haired bandit tired to clear his thoughts, but of course, it didn't work. Hikou was here, the object of that vivid dream transformed into reality. And he needed something from him, something too scary for him to think about too deeply right now.

He placed his hand over the jade pendant that Hikou had given him yesterday, the stone warm from lying against his skin. Kouji realized that he hadn't been feeling the same way since last night. The bitterness, the angerthey'd faded. In their place there was some kind ofof peace. Some kind of knowing that left himbetter.

Hikou had given him that too.

And he was left with no further excuse for avoiding the older man like the plague. He was left wondering what person in his right mind would deliberately keep his distance from a man like Hikou. But of course, he knew the answer to that, too. A frightened man, that was what kind. And he was, he admitted a little reluctantly, afraid of Hikou. The feelings that man aroused in him were too intense not to be frightening. And beyond all that, was the mystery of him. Who he was, where he'd come from, how he could do the things he did.

He said he'd tell you. He said to be patient and he'd explain everything.

True enough. And who was he that he couldn't wait another thirty-six hours or so for his answers?

He'd been a fool. A coward. And when he really let himself explore his reasons for that, he found one more. Probably the biggest one of all. He'd lost his lover, Genrou, and it had hurt beyond measure. He didn't want to let himself feel anything at all for Hikou because he was going to leave in the end. He might just lose him, no matter what he did, and he wanted to be damned sure he didn't suffer when it happened. He'd been guarding his feelings like a greedy dog with a bone. And despite his best efforts, the man had carved a place for himself in his heart.

He wanted Hikou. He knew Hikou wanted him. Kouji had to ask himself which would be worse. To relish the little time he had left with him and then be forced to let him go? Or to let him go, and never have taken the chance. Never even have known what it might have been like to hold him, to kiss, him, to

The soft creak of floorboards alerted the bandit. But he'd have known Hikou'd come back. There was a lightness to the air when he was near. A warmth that permeated every molecule he touched. He glowed somehow.

Kouji rose from his seat and turned to look at him. He was dressed in the white tunic edged in scarlet and yellow pants he had worn the night he first appeared in Kouji's life. Not when the older man had fallen into the lake, even though it was the same outfit, but when he had fallen from that cliff during the storm. In the afternoon shadows, the white stood out, making him again think of angels.

Hikou glanced down at himself and then back up at Kouji again. Why are you looking at me like that?

The bandit shook his head in self-contempt. Hikou, would you like to come walking with me?

His brow rose in perfect arches above wide, round eyes. Do you really need to ask, Kouji?

The younger man smiled, and it wasn't forced. Fully natural, completely without effort. Good. Come on.

Kouji moved forward, and took his hand, and stared down at the picture that made. The older man's hand nestled, as it should be, in his. Something yawned and stretched inside the bandit, then. Some part of himself that had been asleep for far too long. Coming awake now. Fully awake.


	8. 8

Phantom Feelings

Chapter 8

By Sakata Ri Houjun

~****************~

Their hands remained linked as the bandit led Hikou through the door and down one of the many mountain paths.  And neither said a word as they walked through the trees, or even as they approached the cliffs.  Hikou watched Kouji with those deep black eyes, and he seemed expectant and wary and half afraid.

As the younger man lead them further and further from the stronghold, the former demon seemed to relax a bit.  Enough to question him, the bandit discovered, when Hikou softly asked, "Why now, Kouji?"

The bandit stopped as a wind blew through his untamed hair.  And then he relaxed, his free hand running through his tousled locks.  "I don't know if I can tell you why," he said slowly, giving it a great deal of thought.  "Maybe because I've realized it's time I moved on with my life.  And this is where I have to come to do that.  Or maybe it's just that it's been too damn long since I've actually enjoyed these mountains…the way I used to."

He turned his face into the wind, because he hadn't realized how true those words were until he'd spoken them.  He hadn't enjoyed this, not since Genrou first left to follow the Suzaku no Miko.  But now, the mountain breeze in his face and the biting chill penetrating his skin, and the fiery color of the setting sun reached deep inside him.  All those old feelings returned.  His love of the mountains that had been his home, of scaling rocky cliffs, of seeming so high up that he was close to the gods.  Those things were still there, alive and well.  He'd foolishly thought them dead.

"But you're enjoying it now?"

Hikou's voice came to him softly, like part of the breeze in his ears, and he nodded.  "Hai."

"You could have done so without me along, Kouji."

"Maybe.  But you're enjoying it, too, aren't ya?"

"Hai."

Something in the older man's tone made him turn to look at him.  He stood, still clinging to his hand, hair whipping in the wind, face beaded with sweat, eyes shining with delight.  And the bandit's heart contracted in his chest.  It was a crying shame he couldn't give this man what he seemed to need from him.  It would be one lucky person who finally did, though.

"I've been living dangerously near the edge," he said to Hikou, because he felt he deserved at least this much from him.  "And creeping closer all the time."

"I know, Kouji.  I used to feel the same way and it took someone to show me how wrong I was then.  Demo," Hikou looked down in shame.  "It had already been to late to correct my mistakes.  I regret how I reacted when I found myself in a situation similar to your own."

"Demo, you came to me all the same when I needed you.  I'll never understand how…or why, but you did.  And somehow, Hikou, you gave me back my soul."

"Iya, Kouji.  It was never really gone.  You only needed a bit of a push to help see it again."

Kouji nodded, wondering how this man could seem to possess a wisdom that could rival Chichiri's.  "You helped me find that peace," he said.  "And I'll always be grateful for that."  Hikou looked at him, smiling in a way that made the bandit feel guilty as hell for taking so much and giving so little.

"I owe you.  I really do.  I only wish I could give you what you need from me."

Hikou's chin lowered fractionally.  "You mustn't feel guilty for that, Kouji.  You can never force yourself to feel something that isn't in your heart.  Even if you tried, it would never work out.  You couldn't even fool me with such a charade, to say nothing of…anyone else."

He frowned at Hikou's hesitation, and felt like a heel.  "I care for you, Hikou.   And gods know…I want you."

His head came up sharply, eyes sparkling with liquid fire for the briefest instant before he bit his lip and looked away.  "I wouldn't be right," he whispered.  "You don't love me."

Kouji closed his own eyes in anguish.  "It's too soon, Hikou, if you could stay, give me a chance to get used to this new peace that I'm feeling…I've been living too long with the idea that I'd never love again.  I can't just leap from that to undying devotion overnight.  We've only had two days…"

"Hai, Kouji."  Tears shimmered on his lower lashes, but he rapidly blinked them away.  "No matter.  If you don't love me now, Kouji, you never will.  And even if you might, my time is nearly up.  Tomorrow at midnight I'll be gone."  He lifted his free hand to cup his cheek, thumb tracing across the jagged scar that laced his jaw.  "But I must tell you that I've not one regret.  If my coming here has helped your broken heart to heal, then it was worth the price."

The taller man leaned forward and very gently brushed his lips across the bandit's.  And when he stepped away, his tears had finally spilled over.

"What price?" he asked the older man, skimming his cheeks with his fingertips, absorbing the tears into his skin.  "What did you mean by that?"

Hikou only smiled and shook his head.  "I thought we came out here to enjoy the sunset, and not to talk on such dire matters as my leaving.  Come, Kouji.  Let's sit a while, and look at the sky, and forget who we are."

The younger man nodded, and turned to sit down, Hikou moving with him, their hands letting go as they did.  His scent caressed him.  His hair tickled his cheek when the wind blew.  Kouji slipped an arm around the taller man's shoulders, and he relaxed against him, closing his eyes.  His arm tightened around Hikou, his head falling gently to his shoulder.  Turning just slightly, he pressed a kiss to the older man's forehead, and then he thought, what the hell, and turned more, hooking a finger beneath his chin, and lifted his face.  The bandit fitted his mouth over Hikou's.  He kissed the older man, and something kicked his heart into overdrive the second he touched his lips with his own.

Then there were tiny droplets of water splattering on his face.  Hikou opened his eyes to look straight into Kouji's stunned face as he drew away, wet with raindrops like his own.  A rumble of thunder muttered in the sky.  A flash of lightning, and the rain came harder.  Kouji scrambled to his feet.

"Kouji?  Nani?"

The bandit looked down at him, gave him a reassuring smile.  "We'll be alright.  We just have to find some shelter to wait it out.  Too far to go back home."

The wind picked up.  Kouji held out his hand and pulled Hikou to his feet.  "Let's hurry."

"But why?"

Hikou tipped his head back, letting the strengthening rainfall pummel his face, feeling the wind caress him.  Standing perfectly still.

"Hikou, what the hell are you doing?"

"Feeling."

"You're going to catch your death out here."

He almost laughed aloud when he said that.  Death was something he couldn't help but catch.  Not tonight, though.  Tonight, he was alive.  And he would enjoy every minute of it.

"Hikou, come on."

"Iie." He opened his eyes and looked around him, smiling when he spotted the perfect spot from which to enjoy the storm, to fully relish the magnificence of nature.  "You go on," he told Kouji.  "Go find shelter, dry yourself off.  When the storm passes, I'll be right there."  

And without giving him another glance, Hikou ran from him, clambering up the stony slope to the large flat ledge that protruded out.  And when he reached that ledge, he stood upon its very lip; arms outspread, facing the storm that rolled in.  And he let it batter him; let it do its worst.  He wanted to feel everything he could before tomorrow night when he would feel no more.

Kouji's hands closed on his shoulders from behind.  "Hikou…" he whispered.

And he turned to the younger man.  And he looked at him.  His cobalt hair, plastered to his forehead, streams of water running from it, down over his face and his corded neck.  Raindrops beading on the soft curling hairs of his forearms.  The water purling on the skin of his chest, where his soaking wet shirt was open.  Hikou could feel his body's heat.  He could smell him.  And he realized all over again that he had only one more day to live.  To feel.

"Gomen nasai, Kouji," he whispered.  "I know it's wrong…"

"What is?"

He didn't answer.  Instead, he curled his hands around the nape of his rain soaked neck, and he kissed him.  Not the gentle timid kiss he'd given him before.  A real kiss.  Kouji's response was swift and sure.  His arms encircled the taller man's waist like satin chains, pulling his body hard and tight against his own.  His lips parted Hikou's, and his tongue pressed inside, licking and tasting every part of his mouth.  A deep moan seemed torn from the depths of the bandit.  And Hikou felt a fire he'd never felt before.  Heat sizzling through every part of his body that the younger man touched, and engulfing him utterly.

Kouji's mouth left his to trail a warm path over his jaw, down to his throat, and suckled him there, as if hungry for the taste of the older man's skin.

"Hai, Kouji," he whispered, though his voice had become coarse and raspy.  "It's wrong.  But it doesn't have to mean anything.  Just let me have this.  Just…this…"

Kouji parted the older man's tunic and pushed the wet fabric down one shoulder, kissed him there, nipped his skin gently, playfully.  And when he sank to his knees, he took Hikou down with him. 


	9. 9

Phantom Feelings

Chapter 9

By Sakata Ri Houjun

Warning:  Lemon.

~***************~

Kouji was lost.  The instant Hikou's arms twisted tightly around his neck, the moment his mouth sought his in obvious hunger, and the second his body arched against his, pressing forcefully against him as if he felt this same strong yearning, he was lost.  

He'd wanted the older man this way from the moment he'd leaned into his embrace that night he fell into the lake.  No, even before then.  He'd wanted Hikou this way since his own accident, when he'd kissed him in the cave just the way they were kissing now.  And deep inside, he knew he'd wanted him even longer than that.  Maybe forever.  Maybe even beyond forever.

His body responded to Hikou in a way his heart could not.  And that he'd denied these feelings release with everything in him, had only made them stronger and more furious now that they'd finally broken free.  

Kouji knelt, and Hikou knelt, and he held the older man pinned to his chest, their groins rubbing lustily together, and Hikou pressed even closer.  The bandit continued to probe his mouth, and the older man tilted his head back, opened it even wider, and silently begged him for more.  So Kouji gave him more.  

He kissed the rain-wet skin of his exposed shoulders, where he had already pushed his tunic away.  He pulled the material still further away, sliding his sensitized palms down Hikou's slender, slick arms, and then closing his hands on his forearms and tugging them free of the garment.  And it fell.

Kouji withdrew his hands from Hikou's arms, so he could clasp the warm soft skin of his waist, and slowly slip around to the small of his back.  He ran his palms up the older man's spine, feeling the enticing curve, and then moved to rub circles over his shoulders.  Kouji leisurely slid them downward again until the taller man's buttocks filled his palms, and he could squeeze and massage and pull at them while still feeding on his delectable mouth.

The bandit could feel Hikou's swift intakes of breath, the startled gasps that seemed to come each time he moved or touched in a new way.  The older man met each of Kouji's thrusts with ones of his own, begging the bandit to answer his plea for more.  It set the younger man's heart to beating even faster and harder.  

He drew his hands around the older man's body again, to the front of him, never breaking the contact as he did.  He slid them between their chests, and he captured his nipples.  Hikou's response was to shiver, and back away just slightly, giving him more room to work.  And Kouji did.  

When his nipples responded to his calloused palms by stiffening and pressing against them, he drew his fingers forward, slowly, tauntingly, until he held him only at the very tips.  They pulsed beneath his fingertips.  He squeezed.  They became pebbles, and he pinched them, and heard Hikou's exquisite cry of pleasure.

Hikou was panting.  Shaking.  Kouji was reveling in it.  Gods, it had been so long…and even then it had never been like this.  Never.  It was as if he could feel every ripple of pleasure he sent through the older man's body.  

He pulled his mouth from Hikou's, and his lips were moist not from the rain but from the touch of the older man's tongue.  The bandit pressed him backward, and he went, lying down on the cold stone.  The clouds seemed to part then, and the storm came in torrents.  Rain pummeled Hikou's face, and spattered off the rock around his body.  Kouji sat astride him, upright, watching in an unbearable agony of desire as the raindrops pounded down on his chest and flat belly with little smacking sounds.  

And when he could bear the watching no longer, he bent his head to those sensitive nubs, and he sucked and licked and drank every drop from one, and then the other.  And then from his waist, dipping his tongue deep into older man's navel to drink the rainwater pooling there.  And as he moved lower still, he pulled Hikou's soaking wet pants with him.  Kouji tossed the garment aside as he sat up to give them both time to relax.  And then he peeled his wet shirt from his body, and kicked free of the boots and pants he'd been wearing.

The bandit pressed his palms to Hikou's knees, parting them slightly as he knelt between his legs.  And he stared in awe at the flawless perfection that seemed to wait for his hungry mouth as the driving rain added to the moisture beading on the tip.  And then Kouji leaned forward to taste Hikou.  That first sample of the older man was drugging.  Narcotic.  Maddening.  So that he swallowed him even more deeply, striving to take all of this beautiful man into his mouth, to consume him whole.  He used his teeth and tongue, and fondled his swollen sacs at the base with his fingers.  

Hikou's fists clenched handfuls of Kouji's blue hair, and his hips worked rhythmically, his body losing control as he panted.   And then he froze as he screamed Kouji's name aloud, shattering the very power of the storm with the sound of his cry.  And Kouji thought it was the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard as he eagerly consumed the proof of Hikou's satisfaction, nuzzling his spent member lovingly.

He sat up then, never taking his eyes from Hikou's wide, awe-stricken ones.  And Kouji returned to him again, joining the older man there on their rain-soaked stone bed.

As soon as he laid down upon him, the taller man's arms locked around his back, and his legs parted for him.  Hikou kissed the bandit desperately.  Kouji eased himself inside the taller man, biting his lip as he fought the impulse that made him want to drive deep and hard and fast, right now.  He took his time, sensing Hikou's inexperience, knowing the same way he knew so many things about the older man, things he had no way of knowing, and yet knew all the same.

Hikou's body was deliciously tight around him, caressing every inch of his hardened flesh as he pushed past the resisting ring of muscle.  He seemed to squeeze him from within.  

The wet stone beneath the bandit's knees was cool and hard.  The pounding rain that continued to beat down on his back and shoulders, his buttocks, and the backs of his legs from thigh to ankle, was icy cold.  And Hikou's rain-slick body pressed tight against and around him was warm.  Everywhere.  Warm.  Hard.  Responsive.  Ready.

Kouji moved deeper, withdrew in agonizing slowness, and entered again.  This pace he kept, though he thought he'd explode.  Pleasure swept through the intertwined lovers, rendering them both dizzy as Kouji increased his pace.  Hikou breathed faster, clung more tightly, and the bandit began to tremble in response.  The older man moaned deep in his throat and locked his legs around the younger man's waist, urging him to even greater speeds, and Kouji felt cold sweat pop out on his forehead as he squeezed his eyes shut and panted out Hikou's name.  

The older man's body went rigid as the bandit reached between their bodies and grasped his wet length, and he moved his hand in synch with his thrusts, their gasps and moans mingling together in the wet air.  And finally Hikou' body convulsed around Kouji's, drawing the bandit into the depths of ecstasy with him, and Kouji groaned and tensed, and surrendered.  His body shuddered its release into Hikou's as he murmured the older man's name through clenched teeth.  

They clung, they held, and then gradually, they relaxed.

Hikou let his head fall back and rest against his stone pillow.  Kouji rested his upon the older man's chest.

"I love rainstorms," Hikou whispered.

"Yeah," Kouji said softly, with a brand new wonder dawning in his heart.  "Yeah, so do I.  I just never knew it until now."


	10. 10

Phantom Feelings

Chapter 10

By Sakata Ri Houjun

~****************~

Kouji had got dressed and walked to the nearest cave to dry off as best he could.  When the sun peeked though the clouds, signifying the end of the rain, he returned to the spot where he had left Hikou.  

The older man had gone quiet, pulled himself into an invisible shell of some kind.  He'd put on his soaking wet clothes as if it were an everyday thing, and just sat on that stone where the bandit had made love to him.  His knees pulled tight to his chest, arms wrapped around them.  Eyes wide and glittering, but his gaze was turned inward.  He was deep in thought.  And damned if the younger man knew what he was thinking.  He wasn't even sure if he wanted to know.  Because the look in his eyes…it scared him.

Something had happened between the two of them on this ledge tonight.  Something that had never happened to Kouji before.  And he wished to Suzaku Hikou'd stick around long enough for him to find out exactly what it had been.

But he wouldn't.  The older man had made that clear enough.

Kouji touched his shoulder.  "Hikou, we oughta start heading back now."

The older man blinked and glanced up at him.  His smile, very slight and wavering, was unspeakably sad.  He got to his feet and walked at the bandit's side along the path back to the stronghold, and never said a word.  Not a word.  Kouji didn't know if Hikou regretted what they'd done tonight, or relished it.  Whether he wished he'd never met him now and detested him for having taken advantage of him, or whether the older man had changed his mind about leaving so soon.  He didn't know anything.

By the time they arrived back to the base, Hikou was shivering.  Goosebumps rose on his arms; Kouji could feel then when he touched the taller man.

Then Tasuki stepped into their path, between the front door and the stairway.  He opened his mouth to ask what had happened, concern in his eyes.

But Kouji spoke before he could.  "Daijobou.  Gen-chan, we got caught in the rain."  He whispered the words.  But his green eyes were on the man at his side, not on the man he spoke to.  His gaze skimmed the still damp column of Hikou's throat, and the place where his tunic dipped low on his chest.  His throat went dry.  "We just need to get dried up and warm."

Tasuki muttered a reply, but Kouji didn't hear what he said.  He moved past the redhead and up the stairs, Hikou following silently, and entered his room.  The bandit laid dry clothes on the bed and peeled the wet garments from his chilled body.  And yes, he looked at the older man as he did the same.  He couldn't not look at him.  Hikou was, quite simply, the most beautiful man he'd ever known.  And he did know him.  He knew the older man as well as he knew himself, though how that could be possible was beyond comprehension.  He'd always known Hikou.  He knew that his physical beauty was but a dim reflection of the beauty he held inside.  His heart, his soul, they were blinding in their charisma.

With a warm fluffy towel, Kouji rubbed himself dry and got dressed, Hikou doing the same.  And then, the older man walked over to the bed and proceeded to snuggle beneath the covers.  There was a pang of regret that twisted the bandit's insides into knots as he turned to leave Hikou.  So powerful that he turned back once more, to look at him as he slept.

"I don't know, Hikou," he whispered.  "I don't know what the hell this is…what the hell you are.  I don't know if I'm ready for it, and damned well don't know what to do about it.  I need time.  Dammit, why can't you just give me some time?"

Pushing both hands through his damp hair, Kouji thought again about turning away.  But instead, he crawled into that bed with Hikou and pulled him into his arms.  Dammit, he'd gone too far.  The bandit knew what this man wanted from him, and now probably thought he was going to get it.  Hikou probably thought the frantic, desperate way he'd made love to him tonight meant something…something more than it truly had.

He'd have to make Hikou understand that wasn't necessarily the case.  He'd have to tell the older man.  And that wasn't a blow he looked forward to delivering.  Kouji felt like the world's biggest baka as he leaned over and kissed Hikou's forehead.  Then his eyes slid closed.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Kouji barely slept.  Hikou, on the other hand, slept as if comatose.  The bandit lingered in his room all morning, dreading the moment when the older man would open his dark eyes, only to find the truth about last night in his own.  That it had been only physical.  Passion, yes.  An incredible passion between them.  But that was all.  It had to be all.  A man couldn't spend years incapable of feeling love, and then feel it overnight.  Even a man with a normal, undamaged heart couldn't fall in love so quickly.

But you've known Hikou a lot longer than that.

Kouji ignored the voice in his mind, his heart, and he ventured downstairs to wait for Hikou to join him.  But he didn't come down.  And Kouji could no longer stand the tension building in him as he waited for that moment when he'd look into his beautiful eyes again.  So like a coward, he ran.  He could talk to Hikou later.  Much later.

"You're not leaving…?"

"Yeah, I am," he told Tasuki, wishing for once he'd mind his own business the way Chichiri had been doing all morning.

"And what about Hikou?"

"What about him?"

"He hasn't come down all day.  Is he sick or something?  You guys did stay out all fucking night in that storm."

"He's not sick."  Kouji knew, too well, didn't he?  Hadn't he watched him during the night, and all through the morning?  Hadn't he run his hands over the satin skin of the older man's face and his silky hair?  There'd been no fever.  No reason to worry.  But he kept touching him anyway.  Like a drug he couldn't resist.

Kouji had to get the hell out of here.  He couldn't think.

"I have to go, Gen-chan."

"And when you get back, he'll be gone.  And then what the fuck will you do?" he said, scowling at his friend.

Kouji frowned as he held Tasuki's gaze.  The younger bandit stared right back at him, eyes blazing until Kouji finally looked down first.  "It doesn't matter."

"If you say so, Kouji, then I guess it doesn't, huh?  And here I thought I knew you."

But the older bandit turned to head out the door before Tasuki could say another word.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Hikou slept like he'd never slept before.  He barely remembered the walk back to the stronghold or getting into bed.  He knew it had happened, but he had been all contented, cozy, all wrapped in a soft, warm glow.  He'd never known love could be as it had been between him and Kouji.  And while he knew the bandit didn't love him…he had no regrets.  He'd have a precious memory to take with him when he left this world.  And perhaps Kouji would remember last night as well.  Perhaps, once in a while, he'd think of him, and smile.

Hikou came more fully awake, sat up in bed, and blinked at the brilliant sun shining down from high in the sky.  "Kuso!  It's so late!"

"Ohyao, no da.  You look…rested."

He swung his gaze around, facing Chichiri, a bit self-consciously, he supposed.  It was silly to think his old friend could see everything that had happened last night just by looking into his eyes, but that was the way he felt.  "I certainly slept like I had died, hadn't I?  What time is it, Houjun?  It's my last day here, I cannot waste it lying about in bed."

Chichiri smiled gently, and came further into the room.  "Nearly noon," he said.  "But you don't need to worry, no da.  You still have plenty of time to-"

"Iya, Houjun.  You don't understand.  It's my last day."  He pushed himself off the bed and reached for his tunic, which he had not put on last night after drying off.  "Where is Kouji?" he asked.  "I must talk to him."

The monk bit his lower lip and lowered his chin.

"What is it, Houjun?"

"It's just that…well, he had to leave."

Hikou blinked in response to what felt like a blow.  "He…he's gone?"

"He waited for you to wake up, but then he…left.   Tasuki tried to stop him, but Kouji didn't want to linger any longer than necessary, I guess.  Gomen nasai."

A sick feeling took shape in the pit of Hikou's stomach.  He battled a wave of tears, though they made no sense.  Why was he feeling such a bleakness of the soul?  Such a certainty that this was it…over.  The end.

"I know how you feel about him," Chichiri continued as he sat on the bed and pursed his lips.  "You came here to experience life again, with him.  And you managed to help him in ways that neither Tasuki nor I could.  You gave him reason to hope when he had lost faith in life."

"But he won't give me what I need, Houjun.  And I can't force him."  The former demon sank onto the bed as a wave of despair washed over him.

"You can't make a person feel something that isn't there, Hikou.  Demo, there is a place for you in his heart.  I know it.  With time-"

"Time is something I don't have, Houjun.  I already told you, three days and then I return to Mount Taikyoku.  I will be eternally separated from him, and quite possibly you as well because Taiitsukun will have found out my disobedience and ensure that I spend eternity alone as punishment."

Chichiri reached over and patted his friend's shoulder.  "She may be tough, but she isn't cruel, no da.  Whatever happens happens.  I trust that Suzaku will ensure that both you and Kouji will meet your fated ends, just as Tasuki and I had.  I certainly never expected myself to find my soul mate in a fiery bandit, na no da."

Hikou chuckled.  "Nor did I."

A moment of silence passed before the seishi sighed.  "I wonder what poor Kouran is thinking about all this."

"Probably hoping the same thing you are, that this will turn out all right in the end."

Chichiri looked at his old friend in shock.  "You mean she knew, no da?"

"Hai.  I confided in her before I saved Kouji in that storm."

The cerulean-haired monk shook his head.  "You always did have a hard time keeping secrets from her, didn't you, no da?"

Hikou laughed.  "I still remember how I accidentally blurted out that you were planning to propose to her."

"And she still managed to act surprised, for my sake, no da.  I had no idea though, until you confessed your mistake."

The former demon tilted his head.  "Did you really love her, Houjun?"

"I did…still do.  But that part of my life is gone now."  He sighed again and gave a sad smile as he met his friend's gaze.  "I have Tasuki now.  He can never replace Kouran in my heart, demo, he has helped in eliminating the loneliness in my soul.  You two had to die in order that I might meet my destiny as a seishi…and my true soul mate.  Even still, I'll never forget Kouran for as long as I will live."

"I know what you mean, Houjun.  I loved her too, but for entirely different reasons.  And ever since meeting Kouji, I feel that this is where I truly belong, even though I still love her…and you."  Hikou reached up and traced his finger along the edge of Chichiri's scar before leaning over and placing a chaste kiss on his friend's lips.

Chichiri was shocked at the action, but not because Hikou had kissed him.  "Hikou…"

"Don't worry, though.  I love Kouji, but you and Kouran will always have a special place in my heart.  Even if I'm separated from you guys for eternity."

Chichiri reached over and pulled his old friend into a tight embrace.  "Arigatou, Hikou.  But you know that I am right.  Things will work out for you."  He pulled away and stood.  "You'll see, no da."  And then, he left Hikou alone.

The dark-haired man blinked and swallowed hard.  He would be gone at midnight, despite his friend's hopes.  Kouji knew that too.  How could the bandit leave him on his last day?  Especially after last night, and…

Oh.  Well, maybe that was it.  The bandit was realizing what they'd done last night.  And maybe thinking he'd have expectations of the younger man now.  Perhaps Kouji thought the older man would be waiting for his declaration of undying love.  And this was his way of avoiding him.  Kouji didn't want to have to look him in the face when he told him that it wasn't even offered.  That last night had made no difference, had meant nothing to him.  That he still didn't love him.

Suzaku, what a baka.  Hikou already knew all of that.  He hadn't expected one night of passion to change the man's heart.  He'd only wanted to know physical love, only once and only with Kouji, before he died.  But he couldn't very well have told the bandit that, could he?

No.  So now the younger man had everything mixed up, and thought he had to avoid him.  And Hikou would end up spending his last day in this world all alone.  He battled his tears, but they came anyway.


	11. 11

Phantom Feelings

Chapter 11

By Sakata Ri Houjun

~****************~

The farther Kouji walked, the more certain he was making a terrible mistake.  Stupid opinion, that.  He'd be back home by dinnertime.

He was a jackass, wasting hours away from Hikou on his last day here.  But, dammit, he needed to be away from him.  He couldn't think straight when he was looking into those velvety black eyes.  His mind got all clouded with emotions and longings, and practical judgment took a powder.

So, the way the bandit saw it, he was doing the only thing he could do.  Hell, it wouldn't be any good at all to wait and do his soul searching after Hikou left.  Suppose he decided there was something between them after all, and then couldn't find the older man again?  No, he had to sort out his feelings now, before he left.  And he had to do it alone.

The walk along the mountain path didn't do a hell of a lot to clear his mind though.  All Kouji kept picturing was Hikou's face.  Wondering if the older man was hurt that he'd skipped out before he awakened this morning.  Wondering if Hikou thought he hadn't wanted to see him again.  He should have left him a note, explaining why he had to go.

And when Kouji wasn't thinking about that, he was remembering every aspect of Hikou, the way he'd been in his arms last night.  The way he felt when he touched him.  Wet with rain and hot with desire for him.  A bit mind-boggling when he thought about that.  A man like him, burning up for him.  

And he remembered the way Hikou had sounded.  Those little cries that seemed to come from the depths of his soul.  The ones the bandit had just learned to instigate.  A touch here, a kiss there.  Those cries were like music.  Like angels singing.  He wanted to hear them again.  

And there was the way Hikou smelled.  His scent filled the younger man's mind again now.  Rain-wet and musky.  The mingled aromas of sex and man and something else, something that way purely Hikou, so unique and rare it was unidentifiable.  

And the way Hikou had tasted, drugged honey.  Some pleasing delicacy the bandit couldn't believe he craved now the way he did.  

And, gods in heaven, the way Hikou had looked!  Eyes heavy-lidded, passion-glazed, mesmerizing.  Long, midnight-hued hair, dark with moisture and plastered to his face and shoulders.  His lips, parted and wet and inviting.  The way the raindrops beaded on his skin.

The bandit was so distracted that he missed the faint cracking sound coming from above him until it was too late.  He looked up just in time to watch with horrid recognition, as a part of the mountain broke apart and tumbled directly towards him.  He should have known that with all the rain they had been having lately, some of the stone would have eroded away making landslides occur.  And he had been so preoccupied that he wasn't watching out for that danger.

Time seemed to slow then as he stepped back in a vain attempt to avoid the falling debris.  Unfortunately, the ledge beneath his boot crumbled away and Kouji felt himself plunging over the edge.  His body became airborne and fear gripped his heart as he realized that Hikou wasn't going to save him this time.

The air was filled with a deafening silence only broken by his pulse slowly pounding in his ears as he watched the ledge he had fallen from grow smaller and the boulders following his descent to the bottom of the gully.  

Then came the bone jarring impact when he became earthbound again.  And then he was rolling, rolling, rolling.  His body being hammered, pummeled, slammed into one hard barrier after another.  And then he sank into darkness.  The last coherent thought he had was of Hikou.

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Hikou wandered about the stronghold in a daze.  He sat on a window ledge and watched as the sun sank in the distance.  And he thought…about Kouji.  He was certain that his coming here had helped the bandit to get past the guilt he'd been suffering since Tasuki and Chichiri fell in love.  For that the former demon was grateful.  This whole adventure was worthwhile if Kouji could just go on with his life.

Hikou decided to write a letter to him, explaining everything.  He had promised the older man he would tell him the truth before he left, and as the hours sped past and late afternoon became evening, he realized that Kouji might not make it back in time for him to tell the bandit in person.  So this letter might be the only way.  

He spent a long time on the letter.  He described his childhood that he had spent with Houjun and Kouran, and told him all about the incident leading up to his death.  He told him about the demon Tenkou promising revenge if he gave into his resentment, and how he had nearly killed both Tasuki and Chichiri, as well as the Suzaku no Miko.  He explained how Chichiri had redeemed him from that hell and then being granted permission to wait for his childhood friend on Mount Taikyoku after being reunited with Kouran.  He gave details about how Taiitsukun has refused his request to become human again once he had fallen in love with the young bandit, and of placing his trust in a Nyan Nyan's spell.  

And then he told him that he loved him, and that he had not one regret.  He'd traded eternity in paradise for a few days with him, and given the chance, he'd do so again.  And Hikou asked him to please find a way to be happy.

The dark-haired man lowered the pen to the desk, drained.  He had no more to say.  He'd poured every feeling, every emotion into the letter.  It was done.  He looked up from the sheet of paper, through the window at the darkened, star-dotted sky above, and he knew this would be the last night sky he'd ever look upon.  The last stargazing he'd ever do.

Hikou lifted his chin, resolved to face whatever awaited him without fear.  And he took the note into Kouji's room.  He laid it upon his pillow.  And then he lowered his palm gently to the spot where his head would rest later, as if he could fell him there.

A jolt shot up through his palm, up his arm, straight to his heart, and his eyes widened.  "Something's wrong," he whispered.  "Something's terribly wrong."  He turned and ran from the bedroom, sick at heart, shouting our Chichiri and Tasuki's names as he raced down the stairs.

"We must find Kouji," he cried.  "Something's happened to him!  I can feel it!"


	12. 12

Phantom Feeling

Chapter 12

By Sakata Ri Houjun

~*****************~

Kouji came around to see stars dotting the sky above him. And gradually pain came creeping in on the heels of consciousness, until he was fully awake, and in agony. Every part of him from the waist up screamed in pain. He couldn't move. He could barely breathe. A large boulder laid neatly across his midsection. He couldn't feel his legsnothing below the waist. Which might be a blessing, when he thought about what he might be feeling if he could feel.

Dammit, what time was it? How long as he been lying here? Was it too late? Was Hikou already gone? The thought of losing the older man this way, before he'd even made sense of his feelings for him, was as painful as the knife-sharp hurts raging through his body. Suzaku, it couldn't endnot like this.

But it could. A glimpse of the lopsided, waning moon told him that it was nearing midnight. He'd never make it back in time. He'd lost Hikou. And having lost him, his mind cleared as he feelings became perfectly understandable to him. He grimaced in pain beyond anything so far. Why had he been such a baka?

A light flared in his eyes. And then a shout. His shout. Hikou's voice floating to him through the barren night like a blessing.

Kouji! Kouji, where are you?

he called out, and even as the older man ran closer he wondered if he were dreamingor hallucinating. Until Hikou dropped to his knees beside him, breaking down enough to tear at the bandit's heart, kissing his face and wetting it with his tears.

How badly are you hurt? Are you-"

He summoned every ounce of his strength and put all of it behind those words, so they emerged as a shout. Aishiteru, Hikou. I want you to know that, in case-"

In case nothing, you stubborn man. You're going to be fine.

Iya. Iya, I'm not. Demo, it doesn't matter. I've been lying here with a huge fucking rock on top of me, and my only thoughts have been that I didn't realize it soon enough. That I didn't tell you, and that now it was too late. You'd leave me

Ah, but I don't have to leave you now, Kouji. Not if your love is true. He stroked his face, his hair. I'll become mortal now for real. I'll be able to stay with you, koibito.

Kouji blinked. Hikou couldn't stay with him. He was dying. And he didn't know what the hell the older man meantokay, part of him knew. But it was so farfetched

I kept to the rules. I didn't once tell you about the conditions of the deal I made. And you love me all the same, and A frown creased his brows as he stared down at the younger man. 

He swallowed hard. Gomen ne, tenshi. II can'thold onmuch longer

Hikou's eyes widened. He shouted in the direction from which he came. Houjun! Help me, kudasai!

I'm coming, came the answering reply before the monk skidded to a stop in the loose gravel and dirt. Is he alright?

Hikou didn't answer. He pressed his hands to either side of Kouji's face, and closed his eyes. he whispered. Kouji, you're dying. You're dying.

the bandit whispered, and he knew he wouldn't draw too many more breaths. I'm sorry it tookme so longto realize

He lifted a hand towards the older man. Weakly. But Hikou didn't take it. Instead he rose to his feet. He stood above him, straight and strong, and wind suddenly picked up strength. His hair sailed out behind him and his clothes snapped and billowed. I'll not allow it! Hikou turned to his friend then. 

The monk frowned, staring at Hikou. I know a spell, but it requires a great deal of energy-

Then use mine, Houjun. I still have the magic within me that I used when I was Kanki.

Chichiri shook his head. It could very well kill you, and even then it might not work.

I don't care. He stood with his feet planted shoulder width apart. If the price of this spell is death, then so be it. Drain every bit of my life force if needed. Better my death than his.

The wind whipped harder in response, blasting gusts of hurricane proportions down into the valley where Kouji and the boulder had landed.

the bandit whispered. What are you?

Genbu, ancient spirit of earth, lend me your strength, Chichiri said, his voice deep and resonant and commanding. Hikou's eyes closed. Kouji watched the way the wind was suddenly launching spirals of brown dirt all around him, around Hikou.

Byakko, ancient one of air, grant me wisdom, the monk continued, and the wind currents changed, seemed to become a whirlwind with Hikou at their center.

Seiryu, scared guardian of water, give me your power. Before Kouji's eyes, clouds skittered over the moon, and within seconds a gentle rain began falling. And it seemed to the bandit that it only fell here, in this gully, and nowhere else.

Suzaku, age old spirit of fire, your passion. Lightning split the sky, nearly blinding the cobalt-haired bandit.

Kouji laid there on the ground while the elements seemed to join forces. The rain and wind, the dust and lightning, all swirling around Hikou in a clockwise circle, and he knew he must be dreaming.

But Suzaku, hadn't he said that he'd die once Chichiri used this spell?

Burden, remove thyself from this man. Injuries, be gone. As the mage spoke, Hikou's eyes flew open and his body was so stiff he trembled.

And Kouji had to be hallucinating, because the wind and the dirt and the rain and the flashes of lightning seemed to blend together into one blur. A rainbow flash, green, yellow, red, and blue, dazzled him as it seemed to rush from Hikou's body to engulf him. The boulder that laid on him vibrated, and suddenly became lighter. The bandit blinked in utter shock as it hovered briefly above his body, then moved of to one side and crashed to the ground again. But the show wasn't over yet. Because those light beams engulfed him now. And the feeling was coming back into his hips and his legs, even as the pain faded from the rest of his body.

And then the light retracted, back into Hikou. The older man sank to the ground as limp as a rag doll, whispering something that Kouji couldn't make out. Words of thanks or something. The wind died and the rain stopped, the lightning vanished and the dust settled. Kouji tried to sit up and it worked. Tried to stand, and found he could. No problem. Nothing even hurt. He shook off the shock of that, and forced his eyes to stay away from the ton or two of rock that had crushed his body. Instead, he went to Hikou. He gathered the taller man up into his arms and he held him, kissing and thanking him.

Hikou, tenshi, you're shaking.

It was such a strong spell. It needed so much energy from me. I've never harnessed such power before, even when I was a demon borne of water.

Hikou lifted a hand to the bandit's cheek, caressed his scar lovingly. Hai, you heard correctly, Kouji. I was a demon. But Houjun saved me from myself when I let my bitterness overrule my heart. I had died in pain ten years ago because he and his fiancée had been deeply in love and they had no room for me in their hearts it seemed. I managed to ruin that even though I died.

But then I fell in love with you and had a chance to become mortal again only if you fell in love with me, and you did. But now it's time for me to leave this world again. I've no regrets, koibito. No regrets at all, except that we hadn't more time together before I had to leave you.

Kouji squeezed his eyes closed and held the older man tighter. Iya. Iya, dammit, you didn't give your life to save mine! Tell me you didn't.

But Hikou said nothing, only closed his eyes to prevent his tears from spilling over.

Tenshi, doushite?

Because I love you, Kouji. More than life, aishiteru. Always have. Always will, wherever I am.

The older man lifted his head, kissed him. And the bandit kissed him back, deeply, showing everything he felt for him.

I won't let it happen, he whispered. And then he tipped his head back, shouting at the sky. Who the hell made these rules anyway! Take me! Dammit, let Hikou live and take me!

Iya, Kouji

A shimmering white light appeared before the couple, and gradually took on a human form. In seconds, a glowing woman floated there. Her wizened eyes gleamed exactly like twin diamonds, refracting light that danced on everything they touched. Hikou tucked his hand into Kouji's and the bandit immediately closed his around it. He wasn't going to let the older man go, no matter what.

Hikou bowed his head in disgrace, and whispered, 

Hello, Hikou, the creator said, her voice as old as time itself.

Gomen nasai. I went against your wishesbut only sorry for the offense of doing so. I'd do nothing differently if I had the chance again.

I know. And it's for that reason I've reached the decision I have.

Hikou frowned, tilting his head. I'm afraid it's too late for that. A Nyan Nyan gave me this chance, to those terms I agreed. And now I'm severely weakened by Houjun's spell, dying because of it.

You willingly gave you life to save Kouji's. And he now only just offered his own in exchange for yours.

Hikou said, lowering his head. You've been watching then?

I'm always watching, Hikou. I cannot grant impulsive wishes to every soul who begs me for life again. I had to know if your love was true. I have been delinquent in my duties had I allowed you to return to the mortal realm without first seeing proof that it was truly what was best for you.

Kouji glanced at Hikou, saw the puzzled expression he wore.

I don't understand, Taiitsukun

The old woman smiled. I was the Nyan Nyan.

From behind them, Chichiri gasped. 

I had to learn for myself how strong Hikou's love for this mortal was, and also, to see the purity of his love for Hikou. And I find both to be worthy. More than worthy.

you mean

Hai, Hikou. You're mortal now. A human man, with a second chance at life to spend as you wish. I will continue to watch over you just I have been for Chichiri and Tasuki, always.

The halo of light that surrounded the woman flared brighter, and then she was gone.

But Kouji paid no attention. He was lost in sensation as he wrapped his prize up in his arms and held him there. Gods, to think of how close he'd come to losing Hikou! How very nearly he'd let this precious man slip right through his fingers. Never again, he vowed, and he kissed Hikou as if he'd never stop. The older man clung to him, smiling beneath his kisses, and salting his lips with his happy tears.

A set of clambering footsteps halted nearby.

Tasuki muttered loudly as he hugged his lover. It's about fucking time!


End file.
